Turns Out, Opposites May Not Attract At All

You like sweet snacks, they prefer salty. You’re a morning person, they stay up until the wee hours of the morning. Whichever way you cut it, you and your partner are distinct individuals who came together despite your contrasting viewpoints and in the name of love. While it’s widely purported that opposites attract, new science suggests that there is a point where differences can be too…different.

How Opposites Attract

There’s no clear-cut reason why you may choose someone opposite to you. Some people believe that you, an extrovert, might go for someone who enjoys staying in because it introduces something new into your life (and new = fun, even if the “new” thing in question seems mundane). Others think it’s more of a psychological gap-filling, where you choose partners based on how you can balance each other out, whether socially, financially, or emotionally. 

…And How They Don’t

What the science really says, though, is that of the successful relationships that were tested, there’s a positive correlation between similarities and a thriving partnership. In fact, of the tested couples' traits, about 82%-89% were similar, with just 3% being polar opposite. 

So, do you have to break up with the love of your life over your preference for coffee versus their preference for tea? No, babe, that’s ridiculous. Still, here are some areas that’ll help you determine the differences that may make or break your bond. 

Communication Styles: Are you passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, or assertive? While these words are synonymous with the countless self-help videos that make their way to your FYP, they’re actually vital in relationships. If you find that you (an assertive) and your partner (a passive) are on opposite communication playing fields, it can lead to you struggling to understand one another which can lead to serious frustrations and misunderstanding.

Different Interests: Plain and simple, it’s not healthy to do everything in life with your partner (that’s where the girlies come in). Still, your partner will probably be the person with whom you do most things. If you’d rather go on cute weekend dates while they’d rather stay inside, you might find that, down the road, it can be a challenge to plan trips or activities that you both enjoy. (Note: if this you-want-to-go-out-and-they-want-to-stay-inside situation happens just a few times here and there, it’s probably not worth a break-up. We’re talking more about when this happens about 99% of the time.)

S-E-X: Sex is a pillar in any relationship, and it’s typically best if you and your partner are on the same page. Your partner may always be in the mood for love-making, while you’d rather experience intimacy by cuddling. You should definitely work on coming to a common ground that makes you both feel satisfied, but if there’s any intense pressure or resentment that can’t be minimized, it’s probably time to say goodbye.

Core Values: Let’s take a note from Devil Wears Prada, shall we? In one of the final scenes, Andy asks Miranda, I mean, what if I don’t want to live the way you live? To which Miranda replies, Don't be ridiculous, Andrea, everybody wants this. As the story unfolds, we find that, of course, not everyone wants just one lifestyle—and that goes for relationships, too. It can be easy to imagine that everyone wants to have a high-paying job, get married, have kids, and go on cool vacations. The reality is that that’s not on everyone’s docket, and you can’t force these things onto anyone. You should find out as early as possible where your partner stands on topics like marriage, kids, career goals, and anything else you think is non-negotiable. 

Social Styles: We’re not saying that a social butterfly can never be with a lone wolf — it’s a common trope in most relationships. Still, if going out with your extroverted partner brings on endless waves of anxiety, it may leave you feeling a bit isolated. It’s best to try to find places to go and things to do that you both enjoy — but if either of you feels held back or pushed too far most of the time, it may be time to reconsider things.